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Feb 18, 2010
i think it's time for a new blog. http://www.xoLaurenGrace.tumblr.com
Posted at 08:29 pm by laurengracexo
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Feb 1, 2010
i'm still, i'm still an animal
 oh goodness. i am such a strange cocktail of emotions, sensations, and thoughts right now. i think i'm finally starting to see a clearer picture... through chatter between brothers talking about their own girl problems and through your friends actually caring enough about me to help me out. i'm sorry you go through so much shit because you like me, and i'm sorry i can't be older. and i'm especially sorry that she broke your heart and you won't take chances now. one day you will heal. one day i will heal. and everybody will be okay. isn't that how it's supposed to work? D:
in the mean time, i need to stop stressing myself out. much easier said than done though, isn't it? i feel like i'm a woman of few words lately. all these thoughts can't flow into words. it's like beating a dead horse, anyways. i need a new topic. i need a reason for a little bit of a kick in my life. sigh. partying definitely gets mundane. easily. substances have never been so readily at hand. last week was the worst week of my life... i could never sleep, slept through all my important classes whenever i COULD sleep [dammit] and overall blahhhh. i need to make a ridiculous effort this week, and obviously every other week after that. my GPA is still good for Tech but I really need to buckle down. it's so strange to think that with each semester, I'm going to have to become more serious and more responsible. People always say freshmen are so young, and they definitely are in so many ways. but i'm physically not much younger than my friends who graduated last semester or will graduate this semester. it's crazy to think that in just 4 more years, I will be in their position and will have grown up exponentially in JUST 4 years.
tech is such a confusing place... or maybe i'm just at a confusing part in my life and it so happens to be at Tech. regardless, I chose the hardest route i could possibly take to make my dreams possible, and there's no turning around or giving up. I started at Tech and I will finish at Tech. I hope so much to go to a nice ass ivy league med school, or even emory. but we'll see. i guess it depends on how I do on the MCATS. god. okay no more thoughts. whenever i try and distract myself i always end up thinking about my future and that just builds anxiety -.- goodnight.
Posted at 04:18 am by laurengracexo
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Jan 25, 2010
Posted at 02:13 am by laurengracexo
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Jan 16, 2010
no time for pictures, no time for anything.
i just want to say a few things.
christina came over tonight, and i had such a blast.
i put her to bed when she asked, and then went to sigma nu where shawn was to smoke some weed with him since he offered...
but we ended up not smoking, just hanging out.
and we cuddled.
and it was so fucking cute.
and then he just went to sleep.
and he was so confused as to why i refused to sleep in his room.
and i just blamed it on the fact that christina had to get up early tomorrow and i wanted her to make sure i was there and safe [but i know you wouldn't care if i'd slept there, tinanza, to be honest. sorry i used you as an excuse, but it's all i could come up with at the time.]
the point is, i walked back, and he told me to be safe, and that was fucking that.
and i'm going insane right now.
i've spent the past half an hour drunkenly... who fucking know what.
i dont know how to think anymore,
shawn russel spencer?
i like you way to much.
i really do.
and you know it.
but by the time you realize how badly you fucked up with me?
well, i'll be long gone, i'll forget about you, and i'll heal.
and when you finally realize i'm everything you ever wanted,
i won't be there.
i know it.
and i'm so fucking sorry, i really am.
i'm sorry for you, and i'm sorry for me.
because i really could have been happy with you.
i really could have.
but everything got fucked up.
the timing got fucked up.
you got fucked up.
i got fucked up.
i guess that's how it works.
we pass up all the best opportunities because we're too scared.
too scared of the future. too scared we'll make the wrong decision.
shawn russel spencer,
you have hurt me more than any other person has since brian nicholas medley has.
and that's a horrible thing to say,
but i'd be lying if i didn't say it.
i wish you'd just stop being so dense
and act on your emotions.
and just act on instinct.
and know everything will be okay.
with or without me, it'll be okay.
i'd just prefer you to be WITH me.
but i guess everybody has to learn independence.
it's your life. it's a brand new world out there.
and you have to figure it out on your own.
but please know, at this second, i'd die to be there with you.
i'd die to be yours. not literally, but it's a strong emotion.
the way your body fits with mine,
it makes me melt.
i dont understand how cold you have to be to just get up and get into bed and forget about me.
but i guess it's something i'll learn with time.
lead them on, realize it's impossible, crush their heart, and then painlessly walk away.
i have so much to learn.
please. teach me.
teach me how to hurt.
Posted at 05:33 am by laurengracexo
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Dec 26, 2009
 2 days without weed... i'm being an asshole to everyone. hahahaha. although, i went out for a cig like 20min ago and had the weirdest, most randomly placed paradigm shift of my life. suddenly? i dont really give a fuck. i'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired. i'm done with feeling bitchy and down and pissed off. just like that.
my family is fucking INSANE but that doesn't give me a right to mope and hate my life for the holidays. i should still be happy because i've had a *decent* christmas break and i have wonderful fucking friends.
bring on tomorrow, betch. ive got good friends and good plans.
Posted at 01:21 am by laurengracexo
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Dec 24, 2009
 merry christmas eve. i'm so not in the mood for holidays right now.
/
and of course while i'm awake, wide-eyed, provoked by thought---
im sure you're fast asleep dreaming about New York.
Why are big dreams synonymous with New York? Why do so many people seek success in looming, corporate buildings and the icy, chilling cut of a northern gust?
why do i care so much?
i can't decide if i like you a lot, or if i'm just trying to use you to heal all these scars that keep busting back open lately.
I miss my past way to much lately, I think about my past EVERY DAY. i am tortured by the past, the faux happiness i felt. am i trying to break the silence? we all cope in different ways.
i don't even know if this is coping.
what am i trying to say? you've completely shut me down. you're forgetting the reason i came into your life. or at least my reason. you're making it harder and harder to figure out what the hell is going on with me. what am i feeling? and each time you break down, each time your lonely fingers search to find my name on your phone... i'm not there. i keep failing. i don't know why. i don't know how to stop this. i just want to grab you by your ears and scream "LET GO" in your fucking face, but i still don't think you'd listen. you're hardheaded, you know that? your stubborn. you get something in your head and you go with it, and nobody will tell you otherwise. you get it in your head... that this is how it HAS to be, and so it simply must be.
every time i die had it right... i have the timing and precision of a carwreck--so perfect yet so twisted. i'm begging you... God, whoever the fuck is up there... have mercy. i'm driving myself crazy. senseless. out of my mind.
insomniac delirium. bittersweet. shudder first, then savor it--the way it seeps to your bones so sweetly.
just tell yourself it'll work out differently. maybe it will. i've run out of bud and i wish i just had a little more so i could go to sleep. i hung out with r2 and tommy tonight. it was nice to see their faces again and just chill out like nothin had changed. tommy still had his handles upon handles of shitty mr. boston, r2 still had ridiculous stories to tell about girls and his past [hahaha good shit], i was 10 min late home, and the world kept on spinning. so normal. almost unreal. weird to think about how all these people i've been hanging out with lately... how they've just kept on keeping. and how when im with them, my new friends at tech keep on keepin on. it's like 2 different worlds. my mind is wandering everywhere tonight.
what got me in such a weird funk was definitely watching the movie The Curious Case of Benjamen Button... talk about mind blowing. imagining growing up backwards. not knowing anything but not being able to explore because you're physically limited by cataracts, arthritis, failing organs. and to finally get it all figured out, as you die in someone's arms as a baby. is that what dying is? which ever way you go... you finally figure it out in the end? you just. let go? imagine dying with any entire life behind you, and you KNOW it happened, you sense it's presence... but you just can't remember anything.
what would it be like to know that you physically do not have the capacity to grow OLD with someone else. because as they grow old, you grow young. knowing nothing lasts, everything is temporary. does it make things sadder or does it make them sweeter? would i feel more pressed for time growing backwards, or the same?
i keep getting mind-fucked over and over and over. so many thoughts, not enough energy to tie them all together or to type them all out.
Posted at 04:07 am by laurengracexo
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Dec 22, 2009
 mmm you boys are so confusing, can't take it. getting torn two directions now. someone wants a second chance? but what about shawn? what about... maturity? dunno if it's worth it yet, not to sound like an outright bitch. but i'm in college now. a lot of shit has changed since the last time i canoodled with you. i don't know what's so important right now about me figuring out my boy situation. i guess it's amplified since i dont have any school work to do so i can't keep the boy situation on the backburner. whatever, we'll all figure it out and lauren will live happily ever after... yeahhhhhh probably not haha.
feeling happier lately.. still fat as fuck though. ew. yeah i went from 117 to 114 to 117 again. damn fluctuations getting my hopes up! IM Going to start working out when i get back to TECH... that's a vow!
i think i'm happier because i've been spending so much time with old friends. it brings back such amazing memories... christina, taylor, melanie, blair, abby, danielle, rob, colin, chris, jeromy, dylan, emily elrod, caroline, etc etc. so many people i loved and almost never hang out with anymore! i'm just too excited to see them all, hahaha.
i dont really feel like rambling right now, but i'll update laterrrr sk8errrrr bahaha
Posted at 02:58 pm by laurengracexo
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Dec 19, 2009
as a side note, i'm working harder to maintain my weight. today, i only had a 6" sub from subway with turkey, cheese, bacon, tomato, oil, oregano, and banana peppers. and then i had a bowl of air-popped popcorn with reduced fat butter. i'm kind of starving right now but it'd be stupid to eat more at this hour. im holding out for tomorrow. i think i took in 500 calories max today, which i suppose is anorexic, but i guess until i'm back at tech with access to a gym i'll just starve myself. it's only been two days and i've already lost two pounds. two pounds is nothing but at least i'm losing? hopefully when i weigh myself later today i will be 113 or so.
kate's birthday celebration is tomorrow and i am quite excited. me and courtney are getting supplies soon and then heading to tech for a night of mayhem during our break ;D i surely wish our fakes were available :[
i just want to shrink shrink shrink shrink shrink ;;
and for you to think about me maybe half of how much i think of you. call me, text me, don't you miss me? :/
Posted at 06:45 am by laurengracexo
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stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Hello, Insomnia. it's 6:30 in the morning and i simply cannot sleep. ugh. this is going to throw my night off tomorrow... fuck. i've been thinking a lot lately about what i, as a person, stand for. and i supposed i'll type some pontifications i've made.
First and foremost, I stand for fun. not frivolity, but enjoyment and enrichment in my life. nothing great can be accomplished in life if you don't stop to relish the small things. seek your fuel for success from happiness. hold on to the happiness when the present and future seem bleak.
I also stand for success itself. I seek greatness to the fullest, and i refuse to yield. i stand for tenacity and speaking your mind. I stand for courage and optimism. I stand for perseverance. i believe that anything can be accomplished when you have the right mindset and work ethic. i stand for honesty and effort. i stand for love. i have first-handedly experienced the love of family, friends, even good samaritan strangers. i have yet to experience the intimate love between a man and a woman, but i still have faith. i stand for hope. i stand for natural beauty and moments in your life that you wish you could be stuck in forever. i stand for music and i stand for the healing qualities music offers. i stand for cathartic tantrums and convulsing relief. i stand for passion. i stand for god, a higher power, the creator. i stand for science. i stand for you.
i want to be selfless. i want to be perfect. i want to be happy. i want to be successful. i hope everything i stand for will get me to where i want to go. i have so many hopes, dreams, nightmares. so much faith, anticipation, apprehension. desire, passion. i want to stand for something so i don't fall for anything. i dont want to be suckered into the "easier" way of life and only end up miserable. i want to fight for a life fulfilled. i want to support your own life fulfilled. i want to be able to be that person that someone will remember until theyre under a tombstone. i will not fall for anything. and i will stand strong.
Posted at 06:15 am by laurengracexo
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Dec 18, 2009
 lots of thoughts running through my head. this week was pretty amazing. hung out a lot with some people i need to hang out with. like mel and abby yesterday. or matt on tuesday. or tinanza on wednesday. zack on thursday. jeromy and dylan tuesday&wednesday. i dont even know what we really did all that time but nonetheless it was a good week. i got the cutest boots from anthropologie for christmas :] i can't waittttt. hehe
my mood has been improved since the last entry, i suppose. i chickened out texting a certain someone wednesday night, and it turned into this huge discussion about our love-situations that me and christina are in. she brought up a lot of valid points that scared the living shit out of me and dlkjsdflkjsdlkfjds. but i manned up and texted him last night as i drank a coffee mug of Shiraz because it made me think of him, and he ended up calling me and chatting for a few minutes :] i know that sounds so dumb to be excited about a phone call, but at least my paranoia wasn't accurate about him. i just need to figure out what the hell i want and need from him, to be honest. this fling needs more direction.
i need to stop thinking so much ;; seriously.
so i guess i'll recite the list of things i've been planning for next semester at tech since i need to record them anyways.... i'm happy with my friends and how all that is going, and i'm quasi happy about my relationship status [i say that tentatively] however something i'm really not okay with is myself.
I am 117 pounds and to me that is simply grotesque even though people say I look good. Yesterday I started my diet of sorts--- not sure how well i did because i got the munchies later that night.. but all day i only had: yogurt, a pork sandwich, broccoli, green tea, water, tortilla soup, greek salad, sweet tea. breakfast lunch and dinner. not bad, right? my munchies included: raspberries, a handful of reduced fat wheat thins with strawberry cream cheese, a handful of reduced wheat thins with broccoli and cheese soup with shredded cheese on top, and a toaster strudel [oops]. i guess i kind of caved at the end with all the cheese and strudel, but i feel like i'm less out of control than before. usually my munchies include krystals or mcdonalds or papa johns so... score for Lomo. I'm fucking starving right now but I think I'm going back to sleep after this and will salvage healthy food around this house later. running low on cash again :[ fuckk hah.
when I get back to Tech, along with reducing the amount of food i eat daily and increasing the healthiness of the food i eat, I want to start working out religiously again. Even if its just baby steps and I just run a mile everyday with some weights and abs. something physical. I can keep letting my muscles degenerate like this, I am meant naturally to be toned and slim. I feel DISGUSTING. I went from 98lbs to 117 in 7 months. not fucking cool. my plan is if I put working out into my schedule everyday, it'll be easier for me to go to classes since I will have more structure in each day. i also need to stop smoking as many cigarettes, if not for the simple reason I'll be working out more and will need all the lung capacity i have left. I really wish i could quit, but I seriously just dont see it as an option right now. I am so obnoxiously addicted I can't even take it. I'm not allowed to smoke in my car and here i am, desperately puffing away because it's too cold to smoke outside the car and a bottle of febreeze in my other hand as i violently cover every surface in that car with odor combatants. Hah.
I suppose you could kind of call all this renovation i'm attempting my new years resolutions, but i think i might make a list next entry with those explicitly. I need clear, detailed goals for my life to run smoothly, i've realized--no matter how much i love chaos.
Posted at 11:04 am by laurengracexo
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